Twenty Six Years

This year Tim and I reached the 26th year milestone in our marriage.  God has been good to us all these years.  Sure we had our share of trials and tribulations just like any normal couple would but the Lord has not turned his back on us.  And so we celebrated the day with gratitude and contentment. One might wonder how this kind of celebration looks like.  After doing all the trivial way of celebrating this special day, Tim and I sat down unhurried and leaning on each other - we reflected on our life together.  We brought to memory a summarized glimpse of every big chapter of the life we've lived so far.  (As a couple we seem to be good at this.  As matter of fact, during our first anniversary we both wrote to each other a letter - State of the Marriage Letter.)   Surprisingly, the story consistently remained on the theme of  two people in love learning life together.  The times when we acted as if we got it and had nothing to learn were the times when the story was rough.  Surprised?  :) God willing, in the next 26 years we will be the same learning and loving - but more experienced beings in a slower shriveled human form.  We are convinced that God still has to reveal His plans for us in the next chapter.  As we follow His lead, we expect great and exciting things are ahead of us.  So help us God to remain on track.

Twenty six years is a long time but not long enough to be with the person I vowed to spend my life with. 

The Wife of Noble Character: What Motivates Her?

Proverbs 31:10-31

Wife of Noble Character - The picture of the ideal wife or virtuous woman as described in the book of Proverbs.  It is a familiar part of the bible; some have the whole paragraph memorized. Some (myself included), however, use the same verses to draw a caricature of the proverbial wife because it seems so difficult or even impossible to be like her.  I've read the verses over and over again but today I noticed something new.  A revelation that probably demonstrates the reason for Christ to parallel his relationship to the Church to that of a husband to his wife.

We can draw several lessons from the woman described in these passages. However, I will focus on the logical reasons behind her joyful yet busy lifestyle.  She is hardworking and bold -- someone you might consider avant-garde, humanitarian, entrepreneurial,  but there is no mention of any motive for personal ambitions or exaltation.  So what then makes this mysterious woman the way she is? What motivates her to pursue such noble attributes?

In my attempt to bring this woman's enigmatic life to light, I came up with the following deductions based on what the bible verses mentioned above.  (I strongly recommend to read  Proverbs 31:10-31 before reading the rest of this article)

  

1.  Her driving force is her husband's confidence. 
"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (v. 11)

Everything starts the moment he decides to have her as his wife.  He chooses to love her and commits to spend his life with her.  Once the wedding is over, the wife becomes part of her husband.  and in our society, she carries his name.  From the very beginning her husband values her and believes in her.  This wife has her husband behind her.  She relies on his full confidence as a backbone in her domestic affairs.  

2.  The result she expects is good reputation for her husband.
"Her husband is respected in at the city gate, where he takes the seat among the elders of the land." (v. 23) 
If there is one real motivation in this passage, it is that her husband's reputation, shown here in the way her husband is respected among his colleagues. Through her active role she does shine forth, but the ultimate glory is that her husband gets a better reputation from her active role. through the reflection of the praises that her husband gets at the city gates.  Like the moon gets its glow from the reflected light from the sun, so this wife get the praises only when her husband gets the glory first.

3.  Her reward is the admiration of her family. 
"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." (v. 28)

Her best reward does not come from personal gratification or accolade from the outside world but it comes from her own family.  Easy as it may seem, this is a difficult thing to achieve considering the familiarity involved.

4.  Her continued faithfulness builds a good name for her husband.
"Let her works bring her praise at the city gates." (v. 31)
She brings good reputation to her husband and as a result her husband praises her. She isn't doing a good job in order to be praised, but the natural result of her good character and industrious nature is the praise that comes at the city gates.  Her husband will be there to hear about it and at the same time takes pride on the commendable nature of his wife.  She is valuable to him and she believes she has his full confidence.

So there you go.  It's very simple.  Why then can't we all be Mrs. Noble Character?  Maybe it is Mr. Noble Character's fault?  No. The choice and belief is hers and she acts on them.  This is the hard part.  It is hard because the world constantly provides her with numerous reasons to change her priorities away from her true reward - her husband.

It is her husband and his good name that motivates this woman to be the wife that she is.  I doubt that if she devoted her efforts in making name, money, or glory for herself that she would be worth writing about to be an influence to the women beyond her generation.  In my own life as a wife, I admit that there are many occasions when my glory is the only motivation to do or dream certain things.  And surely, those are also the times when the burden is most oppressive and unbearable.  On the contrary when I am doing things for my husband's delight and reputation, it is fun and rewarding.  To make the person the I love look good is truly a joy.  I can't explain how long my memory holds on to the words of approval and appreciation I get from my husband - they are engraved in my memory. :)  And when he is proud of what I do for him, there is more rejoicing in my world than when I do things to get recognition from other people.  This is not to disregard the natural desire for compliments from other people but, ideally, it should come as a bonus and not the goal. For it is such a burden to maintain the good opinion of the world to get a recognition that is short-lived.

I have come to understand that the life of a married woman is different from that of someone living alone. Fun fact!  Marriage presents a new form of accountability.  After the wedding self identity begins to be eclipsed by the new union of two people loving each other. Where once there was a lone star, now there are two stars made brighter than ever before because they are reflecting light on each other.  No longer two individuals but a team.

Now if we parallel this union with that of Jesus Christ and his bride - the church, I would say that the church's significance is tied to her desire to bring honor to Jesus Christ.  The church can do all sorts of initiatives but as long as the Church desires a reward other than Christ then it's all futile and insignificant.

The Silver Milestone

On February 23, 1991, Tim and I made a vow to each other to love and cherish...till death do as part. Today we reached a significant milestone in this journey. It is our 25th anniversary!   Twenty five years is a long time. Let's see: we raised three children - two of them now on adulthood category and one in high school but snarky enough to be an adult. :)

Transience and Permanence. There are things that we have seen and experienced over and over again.   And yet there are new things that we both have to learn and experience on a daily basis.  On a Facebook post today, Tim appropriately referred to me as his "fellow traveler".  Indeed we are just traveling here in this life.  As we move further on this journey, change travels with us in a similar tempo.  We are changing, people and things around us are changing.  Our thoughts, dreams and ways are constantly adjusting to such changes. But there are two things that remain constant in this marriage - our dependence/devotion to God and our commitment to each other. Both things require regular evaluation and examination of our internals (desires and motives) and spirituals (guidance/accountability). It is hard work.  We fail and get up again.  As we get to spend more time with each other, we are also learning to integrate our years of experiences with the present-day affairs.  That alone cannot be learned without going through this ride called marriage.

If I were to give one piece of advise to my newly married self... 
Helen:  "Snap-shots are dangerous things to draw conclusions from. Do not define the marriage by one time events." 
Tim:  "The moment you realize you are maintaining your rights or trying not to be taken advantage of in an argument with your spouse, is the moment to give in."

We got to this point all because God is gracious to us...

An overflow is always outward

The question of the day was: "How do you want to spend your next wedding anniversary?".  

Tim asked the question first. Naturally I have to respond to the question first.  What a burden!  When you are about to celebrate your 25th anniversary, like us, and you have gone to most of the places you've been wanting to go, eaten at numerous restaurants, visited gardens, seen so many Broadway and not-so Broadway shows and concerts, bought all the rings you wanted and all already stolen by burglars, spent so many times in cottages near ocean and beaches and did most of the pleasurable things you thought were great - you begin to think other ways to celebrate the next one.  So I pondered as we walked the mulberry tree-lined road.  There was nothing that I was really dreaming of doing with my husband. This is not because I am not interested but this is attributed to the fact that we have exhausted almost every possibility within our standards.  It does not help that Tim's favorite occupation is planning trips for the family.

So I shifted to a different level of standard - outward.  How would I spend my anniversary when God has blessed me so much already? In the past, He allowed us to do so many fun things and at present He put us in a good position to do more. How would we mark this milestone in our our marriage differently?   Let the blessing overflow! Do something to make someone's circumstances a better one. Tim asked me to come down to earth.  So I mentioned two specific examples that we could do. And Tim, being Tim, does not think twice once he knows what I want.  As if I am the one that sends the hints of pressure to be generous and he is the sensor that automatically opens the valve. Yes, this is how giving always worked between the two of us.  I propose with selfless intentions and he implements without reservations.

People can splurge on status symbol and experiences, but helping others experience life a little better creates a deeper sense of significance.  All glory to God!

Prenuptial Counseling

Today, Tim is doing the second  prenuptial counseling session for Josh and Malia.  I think there will be one more meeting before their wedding which is on December 18th.  This is different from all the other couples he married in the past because we knew Josh from when he was a very young boy. His parents are our friends and shared many memories with them when we lived in the Bay Area. That's right, children of some of our friends are now getting married which means that our turn  to see our children plan to get married is not far from now.  We are getting old. Old enough to see young kids grow to adulthood and now stepping into married life.  It is very exciting!  

I believe Josh and Malia will make a good couple...

Twenty Years!

I have been busy lately but last month my Tim and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary.  While there has been so many activities that we did to celebrate this 20th anniversary, including an extended trip to Salem, February 23 was the real celebration day!  It so happened that I worked on that day which means that I didn't even have any chance to do something to make our anniversary special.  Well, I did make dinner, but I also left for bible study after eating.  Tim on the other hand was busy.   He brought lovely flowers for me - 'Red Intuition' roses and 'Star Gazer' Lilies filled the vases at home.  He gave me another diamond ring!  It seems to me that he presents me with a diamond ring every ten years.  There is one big problem - I like to work in the garden and I do not like to wear my precious rings when I am gardening.  I've been trying to wear one of them each time we go somewhere special such as on our Monday lunch dates but then I come home and take it off before I do some garden work.  As a result I end up not wearing anything which makes Tim cringe.   

The other thing he did was to play a song that we both  used to like - "Right Here Waiting for You" by Richard Marx.  Tim and I met in the Philippines and we got engaged before he came back to the US.   After that we wrote to each other every day and we talked on the phone once a month.  This is a time when an hour of phone call to the Philippines would cost him two hundred dollars.  There were no such things as cell phones, emails, internet, Facebook, etc.  We wrote and we sent tapes to each other.  This song was one of our favorites because it described our relationship to the point.  J

Anniversaries are milestones.   They reflect the distance we've traveled together.  It is a time to reflect on the past year or decade of life together.  Tim and I made it this far through God's grace.  We can say that we face a future that is not like the past as no two years are ever the same.  We will have a child in college.  Life will be really different.   The children in the house will be reduced to two and probably our finances will be interesting.  :)  We will have to brace ourselves to the One who does not change - God.  He is our only hope; he will renew our strength.  With His grace we will soar on wings like eagles; we will run and not grow weary; we will walk and not be faint. 

I thank God for Tim and our life together.

Marriage

Yesterday we have witnessed a very special wedding - Daniel and Becky's wedding!  It was not a traditional wedding, the songs played were not the usual wedding songs, but it was very solemn because the whole ceremony focused on their lives as two distinct individuals who are now ready to join each other in marriage. In an analogy, the pastor said that Daniel and Becky each had their separate stories but now they are going to start one story - a story of their lives together.  I believe that together their story will be more vibrant and more significant than the combined story of their individual lives.